Control
by Stac1043
Summary: Basically... post EP5.


There's something about the way that the drugs and the drink make you forget. You leave behind the sadness and thoughts for euphoria and numbness. You don't act like you normally would. The pot calms you, mellows you. The drink makes you manic. The ecstasy makes you reckless.

Until the thrill is gone, the drugs wear off and you're back. You're… you again. The voices return and you remember it all. You remember why you're downing an antidepressant with water each morning. Then you crave for that euphoria and numbness again. Your fingers itch for the bottle; your mouth waters for the spliff. Something to make it all go away, to make it disappear.

But why is it when the one thing you need is control, the only things that help make you lose it?

The first cut across your skin with the blade is uncertain. So you do it again. And again. And again. Because you became addicted to the control you had with the blade. You were calm, you weren't hysterical anymore. But the addiction made you lose control and now your skin is marred with the reminders of when things got bad, when you needed to breathe.

You go to other means. Drinks to make you forget about your troubles and therefore, forget about needing a blade. Until you wake up the next morning hungover. But you don't remember what you did the night before (at least not all the time) and you're unsure if that's a good thing. But you know you fucked up once more. And you take to the blade again.

Bottom line is: when you get really bad, you'll do anything you can to get out of it. You'll hurt people along the way and that screws with you even more. But how far is too far? You wish for an instantaneous cure. Not just something to make it go away for a while, but something that will make it disappear _forever_.

But that same cure… means you'll disappear forever, too.

But the pain of your loss on those who love you will never fade away.

_Dear Diary,_

_I've fucked up. Again._

_I just want to be normal. Healthy, sane, and confident. But that's too much to ask for, isn't it?_

_I just want people to take me seriously as an adult. But why would they when I keep ruining things?_

_I just want to be happy. But why do I keep pushing everything that would make me happy away?_

_I just want the gang back together. But I broke it apart, didn't I?_

_I need to fix all of this. But how do I do that when everything's broken into tiny pieces?_

_Finn was right. We all need to grow up at some point and I've decided it was my turn._

_But… where do I even start?_

_-Rae_

Three hours ago she was sitting on her bed staring at the bottle that contained her remaining 38 pills. Doctors give patients pills to try and make them better and at the same time, give them an easier way out. Easier than cutting your leg until you bleed out. Easier than stepping in front of a car. It would be simple and a lot less messy.

She couldn't sleep. She felt dirty, cheap, and used after leaving Liam's. When she tried to shower, the water wasn't hot enough and it was like she couldn't scrub away the nastiness no matter how hard she tried. She gave up when she looked down and saw how red her skin was, her tears mixing in with the stream of water.

But the longer she sat staring at the pills, fiddling with the container, the more she realized that she didn't need the easy way out.

She replayed the scene in her head of when she came home at 6am. No matter how much it hurt to hear her mum say that she didn't want the baby growing up around "someone like you" and to just move out, she understood that her mum loved her unconditionally. She came to that epiphany whilst with her dad when he was talking her down, calling her "thick." The anger that coursed through her was the want to defend her mum to the man who walked out on them and never came back.

She was no longer getting better just for herself. She needed to work harder for her mum's sake, too. Because she wasn't just hurting herself but the people around her. She wasn't going to solve things by ending it all.

She sighed as she set her pen down beside her diary and put her head in her hands. She let out a shaky breath and reached for the sonogram of Baby Bouchtat. She traced her finger over the outline of her developing little brother or sister as a tear slipped from her eye. Wiping it away, she tacked the sonogram to her wall where the postcards she thought were from her father used to be. Today was going to be the start of something new and she knew exactly what she was going to do.

"Archie, you busy today?" she asked him over the phone.

The following hour was spent in preparation. With everything settled into her backpack except for the brownie tray with a clumsily written "I'm Sorry" in vanilla icing, she left the page torn from her diary on the table.

_Dear Mum,_

_I'm sorry. I know I've been a major twat lately but I promise I'll work harder._

_Thank you for everything you've ever done for me. Victor is a dick for what he did and he never deserved you. But Karim does._

_I've gone to Leeds with Archie to talk to Finn. I promise I'll be back by 10pm tonight._

_I love you, mum. Always._

_Love, Rae_

She smiled weakly at Archie as she made her way to the car. He was really excited to go see Finn, too. He may have only left fewer than three days ago but he still missed his best mate.

"Hiya," he greeted as she closed the door and buckled up.

"Thanks for doing this, Arch," she said gratefully.

"Of course. So, it's 11:30 right now and it's about a two-and-a-half hour drive. We should be there around 2:00 and have to leave by 6:30 to be safe. That alright?"

"I sure hope so."

Their car journey was full of sing alongs to the various mixtapes Archie had for his car. It was just like before when they had both decided they needed to run away but without the engine going down. Rae's nerves grew more and more as they continued to get closer to the address Finn had given Archie before he left. But when they'd finally pulled up outside the two story house Rae was on the verge of a panic attack. It started with her hyperventilating causing her to reach for something to breathe into whilst her head whirled and throbbed and heart pounded. Archie looked on helplessly, trying to talk to her calmly and rubbing her back.

Her heart was still beating rapidly when it stopped. The water was relieving as she could feel it go down her throat and as if the coolness of it was dispersing through her lungs and soothing her. She nodded to herself as she stepped out of the car and reached for her bag. She rummaged through it for a moment before pulling out the small boom box.

She held the boom box at chest level as it started to play and took the brownie tray from Archie in the other hand. She walked a little ways up the drive and stood hopeful, staring at the door waiting for some movement.

_Spaceman_ was about halfway through when she started to give up hope. Maybe he just wasn't home at the moment. She laughed bitterly. Home was in Stamford, not Leeds.

"What are you doing?" she heard behind her causing her to gasp and swing around. Unfortunately she lost her grip on the brownie tray and it went crashing to the ground icing-first.

"Shit!" she said. She turned her head back to the voice that caused her to startle and came face-to-face with a confused Finn with a black eye.

"What happened?" she whispered as she gestured to his eye.

He shook his head. "Nought. Just a work injury. What are you doing here, Rae?" he repeated.

Rae swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "I- I didn't get to say goodbye," she said pathetically.

Finn pursed his lips. "Well… _goodbye_," he said as he started to walk to the door.

"Wait!" she called.

He stopped and sighed before turning around. "What?"

"I fucked up, okay? Ruining good things is what I do," she tried to blink away the tears that were welling in her eyes. She gestured to the ground beside her. "I made you brownies and even ruined those."

"Are we done here? I need to ice my eye," he said.

"Finn, please. I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time lately."

Finn kicked at the ground with his foot. "I get that you are, Rae. I get that you're still ill and I respect that you are trying to get better. But you're not the only person allowed to get hurt and you're not the only person with stuff going on. Where were you when I needed you? Needed you to say something about me leaving? You blew me off for a fucking party."

"I'm sorry," she said again.

"It's not easy for me to talk to people and I tried to do that the night before I left," he scoffed. "You knew what I needed to hear! But you didn't say it so I fucking left. You didn't give a flying fuck so why should I?" He was trying to keep his voice level but was getting so worked up that he was shouting. "All the women I have ever cared about are gone, Rae. Mum walked out on us, nan's dead," his voice cracked, "and you're no different. I actually cared about you but you…" he trailed off.

"I thought you moved on. I mean, we'd only just recently broke up and then bam you're on a date with this Olivia chick. And she's the kind of person I said you should be going out with. Even though she's too old for-"

"Rae."

"Sorry," she mumbled. "You're out of my league, Finn. I don't even like myself so it's hard to understand that someone else would. I mean, someone who I thought was my equal didn't even want to see me naked!"

Finn's head shot up, his gaze murderous. "What?" he growled.

"But you cared," she continued, not responding to his question. "You made everything so special but I was scared. You weren't ashamed to be with me. I didn't understand how that could happen."

"I wanted to forget," he said quietly making Rae strain to hear him. "To forget what we had. To forget you. Because it fucking hurt. I cried when you broke up with me." He laughed humourlessly. "Can you believe it? Badass Finn Nelson crying over a girl."

"Can I have a second chance?" she asked.

"A second chance for what?"

"A second chance with the guy I've been in love with for months," her voice wavered.

"Why should I? Wouldn't you rather hang out with Liam and Chloe's mates?" he asked bitterly.

She flinched at the mention of Liam and Saul. "I'm going to try and work harder to get better. It's been shit lately. There's no gang anymore. Everything's falling apart and I'm trying to fix it."

"So you just want to get back together because you want the gang again?" he shook his head disdainfully. "That's not okay with me."

"No! I want a second chance so that I can make you happy, make us happy. It was amazing being together and I want all those feelings and moments back. I don't want to be able to show you why you're the most amazing person ever and why I love you." She shrugged. "Or at least be friends again."

"Do you really expect us to be able to be friends after what you've just said?" he asked incredulously.

She sighed sadly. "Just know that you'll _always_ have a reason in Stamford when I'm there," she said before turning around to make her way back to the car.

She was opening the door and tossing the boom box in the backseat when her arm was pulled causing her to turn back. She opened her lips to speak but the only sound to come out was a moan into Finn's mouth. He kissed her hard and waited for her to respond before pulling back.

"You forgot the brownies," he said against her mouth.

"I'll make you more," she said putting her arms around his neck and pulling him back to her.

They didn't even jump at the sound of the honk from Archie but instead both flipped him off and continued with their reunion, Finn's arms wrapping tightly around her waist as if she might disappear.

It didn't solve everything, but it sure was a start.


End file.
